Posts Tagged ‘women’
Strange Loops and Sleepless Nights
Emily Tipton
I had lunch with a friend of mine the other day, who is struggling to get her nine- month-old son into a sleeping routine at night. As I was empathizing with her plight, I was reminded of my own struggles as a new mother with my eldest son, and how in retrospect I was able to use Reflexive Practice to help me to understand why it seemed I was caught in a loop and unable to make any progress.
I was educated as an engineer and had spent much of my career in various project management roles. So I must admit that I approached motherhood as a project and was quite confident that I would be able to strategize, organize and manage all aspects of this new role in my life. I was unprepared for the emotional side of motherhood, and my effectiveness was severely handicapped by lack of sleep. I’ve written in other blog postings about my birth experience, and the trouble that Ollie had afterwards (Trust), so I won’t revisit that here except to say that I believe the suffering he experienced in his early weeks impacted his ability to sleep through the night because he didn’t learn to settle himself as an infant. So, at nearly one year old he was still waking me several times a night and adamantly wanting to nurse, because that’s how he soothed himself.
At the time I felt like I was trying everything. But I found it challenging to be consistent – when he was teething, we were travelling, or I was just too tired to do anything else, I would succumb and nurse him, knowing that this was reinforcing the very behavior I wanted to stop because as his mother I wanted to soothe and nurture him. I found the situation difficult on so many levels – my rational and emotional selves were not aligned, I found it difficult to communicate the decisions I made in the wee hours of the morning effectively to my (very supportive, but frustrated and sleep-deprived) husband, and I was desperate for sleep. I believed that I was somehow failing to solve this problem, when it seemed like every other mother in the world had it beat.
It’s funny how, looking back, I don’t actually remember exactly how it all turned out. I weaned Ollie when he was 12 months old and I know that by the time my second son, William, was born, Ollie was 22 months old and sleeping all night long every night. But I remember clearly the intensity of the frustration as I descended into the depths of despair each time I realized I was cycling both Ollie and I through behaviours that were not serving either of us, or our relationship.
When I look at the situation retrospectively, with my Reflexive Practice lens, I can clearly see how we were in a strange loop. Each time I put increasing pressure on myself to “solve the problem” either by making rules for myself or finding some new tactic to try, I would react to setbacks in a very closed way – being unkind to myself and to Ollie by feeling like I had failed to implement solutions that should work, or that had worked for others. I would push expectations on my son that I couldn’t effectively communicate to him. When we failed, I would revert back to old habits and then stop trying, just feeling like I was never going to solve the problem. Then, I would see some kind of change in Ollie – he would sleep a little longer, or fall asleep on his own, without nursing, and all of a sudden I would be hopeful again. I would design more rules or research new methods, and enter the cycle all over again.
Strange loop pattern
What I didn’t understand at the time is that Ollie was not a problem to be solved. I had to start thinking about him, and his sleeping patterns, as a mystery to be explored. Relationships are complex and it was my role to try to understand and explore why he was behaving the way he was, not to compare him with other babies or push expectations onto him based on what I read in a book. Just that shift in perspective allows me now to see the situation completely differently. When I treat my children as opportunities to learn, instead of problems to be solved, my feelings about the situation or the “problem” shift. It was not wrong to design rules, or try different things I read in books, but it was wrong to place expectations on his response to these things, and feel like a failure when he didn’t live up to those expectations. I was telling a story about us both where we were failures. Instead, when I was able to openly observe and learn from how he responded, I could give us both grace, and stay out of the strange loop.
Action Learning, Democracy and Circles for Women
Liz Garratt
I am a passionate seeker of new ways to do business in these ever-changing times. New ways to create more authenticity and joy for business owners, businesses, customers and the world. As a long time traveller in the land of business, I like to integrate the best of the traditional when it works, with the more esoteric models – pulling together the finest parts of both worlds. This is my quest – to share my knowledge, expertise and understanding of how to build a business that supports passion, people and profits. One that enriches both your business and personal world.
My approach is simple: blend lightness and playfulness with deep meaning and exploration and throw in a dash of magic. The results are truly amazing.
I love my work. I love my clients. I love my life! It wasn’t always this way. My journey began a long time ago – 25+ years – in the traditional model of business planning and management consulting. That world taught me a great deal, but it was truly missing heart, intuition and the ability to share all of me. And when my heart was no longer in it, I chose to find another way.
What happened?
I dared to follow my heart, to find new ways to offer my gifts and talents to the world. Because if there’s one thing I now know for sure – my level of happiness and satisfaction is directly related to how truly and deeply I follow my heart! I have created a new path, one that brings my desires, passions, skills and intuition to the forefront of my work and my life. On this path, I have found great success for both myself and my clients.
Allowing my gifts to shine in business, unfolded over time. In fact, there was a time they didn’t feel much like gifts at all. My sensitivity and intuition felt more like a curse. Business was not about love, feelings and hunches – it was linear, logical and practical. Thankfully, I have become more comfortable with my innate gifts and am now able to weave them into my work in ways that benefit everyone – including me. I have learned from my own experience and in working with others, that revealing our hearts and soul to the world takes enormous courage. But it is truly worth it. Together with my clients, we explore some pretty amazing places and uncover deeply buried treasures. We nurture the light within and bring it forth to shine in the world.
When Marilyn invited me to post a blog entry, I didn’t realize just how much action learning had influenced me and my process. Marilyn is right about action learning underlying my philosophy. I am always aware of how all that I’ve learned from Marilyn and Henry has so nicely integrated into my work (and life). While my Circles are not “pure” action learning and definitely have more of an organic and spiritual nuance to them – the underlying essence and richness is so similar to my experiences in action learning. I often reflect on this and with hindsight recognize that where I stumbled in the past was trying to mirror Marilyn and Henry and their approach to group processes. With time, and I like to think a bit more confidence and inner wisdom, I have found a way to bring together all the riches I learned from Marilyn and Henry and blend them with other teachings I have gathered over time and my own innate knowing. I love where all of this has taken me and I want Marilyn and Henry to know that they have been (and still are) two of my most precious teachers on this path. I love that Marilyn sees and feels “action learning” in my writings and I feel honoured that she would want to share this with others.
Circles for Women Invitation
You are invited to an afternoon Circle to explore possibilities and next steps for forming and creating Inspired Circles for Women seeking support and sisterhood in their lives and work.
For several months I have felt inspired to tell others about an amazing Circle I am part of. This Circle of woman came together in 2008 as part of my Inspired Business Planning Circle. We have been on a profound path of deep learning, love and unconditional support ever since. Our Circle has deepened and expanded far beyond a “business planning” Circle as over time we have brought more of ourselves and all aspects of our lives and “who we really are” forth into the Circle. We often marvel at how we got here. In this Circle we bring our challenges and successes; our dreams and inspired ideas; our fears and struggles for our businesses, inspired work, our relationships (children, partners, friends, ourselves, clients, colleagues etc.) our health, our personal and spiritual growth and development. After 3 years, there is nothing off bounds – nothing that can’t be brought into the Circle for unconditional love, understanding and support. We continue to grow each time one of us dares to reveal something new – whether it is how something within or outside the Circle triggers us or something extremely private, personal and risky that we are ready to bring forth. There is nothing that shows up that is not greeted with honesty, love and grace. We didn’t begin this way – but over time this Circle has become a safe, reliable haven for each of us and every aspect of our being and lives.
In many ways, this Circle is the manifestation of a dream and fantasy I have held forever. I have always imagined –often pined for – a place where I could show up in the fullness of me and be loved, seen, heard and accepted – and everyone else could show up in the same way. A place where all of our light and darkness is welcomed and embraced. Each of us have grown to see ourselves as strong, capable, creative and resourceful women – so there is no need (or desire) for old patterns of rescuing or saving others; it is strongly prohibited in fact. Each of us shows up with the full commitment and intention of taking care of and responsibility for ourselves. No one gets away with avoiding their own stuff through fixing others – how liberating and refreshing! In many ways this Circle is something I have fantasized about and envisioned for most of my life, yet never believed it was really possible. In many ways, my experience in this Circle exceeds my imaginations and dreams. Its creation has largely been phenomenological – we couldn’t have “planned” it if we had tried – we have been divinely blessed.
This Circle has strengthened, enriched, enhanced and fuelled my personal, business and spiritual growth and unfolding – as it has every woman in my Circle.
I have a new dream and fantasy now - I envision and imagine a world where every woman has the support and love of such a sisterhood. What if each of us had the strength, love and support of other women behind us as we walk upon this earth – as we mother our children, love our partners, care for and love our families, friends, neighbours and larger communities. What if each of us had our own cheerleading team behind us encouraging us – gently and firmly kicking us in the butt, telling us the truth with a fierceness of love and unconditional support as we follow our dreams and inspirations – bringing forth our divine gifts and contributions? What if when we came up against scary situations or accomplished huge breakthroughs we knew we were never alone? What if every woman had this kind of support behind her? What would our world look like then? I imagine something quite wonderful!
Like I said at the beginning of this email, I have felt inspired for some time to share this blessing with others – create and invite others to find, discover and create this kind of “Circle of Women” for themselves. What stops me in taking inspired action is my inability to “figure out” how to create and replicate such an experience for others. While I know how to create sacred and safe space, especially for women – I am aware that the unfolding of this Circle extends far beyond any formula or process I can design. There are many factors at play far beyond my control. This Circle has unfolded into what it is because of each woman who showed up and because of all kinds of divine influence and intervention. So I have felt unsure how to step forward.
As I shared this with my group last time we gathered, they reminded me (as they always do) to practice what I preach – to trust my inspired knowing – to show up and take the first step – to do what I do well which is hold a Circle for women – to create space for a conversation and exploration of what women are seeking, wanting, imagining. Listen and speak intently from the heart and trust the next step will reveal itself in perfect ways and timing. Ah yes, this is indeed Inspired Working and Living – what I know and forget daily. After this conversation, my whole body relaxed and I reconnected with the excitement of inspiration and agreed to take this next step.
Next Inspired Step: Invite women to an afternoon Circle to explore possibilities and next steps for forming and creating Inspired Circles for Women seeking support and sisterhood in their lives and work.
Really, how easy is that?
You are invited…to a FREE Circle to explore and talk about creating Inspired Circles for Women
Space is limited, so please email at liz@harmonybydesign.ca or call (780-467-5026) if you are interested. Please share this invitation with women in your work and life who you feel would welcome this kind of conversation and exploration.
Check out my website at www.harmonybydesign.ca.
Action Learning by Marilyn Herasymowych
Marilyn Herasymowych
I couldn’t help but see action learning bubbling up from every sentence in Liz’s e-mail to me that morning I checked my e-mail. Embedded within action learning are the principles of a direct democracy. A direct democracy is a political system in which citizens participate in the decision making personally, as opposed to relying on intermediaries or representatives. In action learning, the people who are involved in the democratic process of action learning are the people who own the problem, and will therefore own the solutions.
Dissent and majority rule are also principles of a democracy, and therefore of a direct democracy. However, in a direct democracy, dissent is critical to determining a majority position. If citizens hear the dissenting opinions, they will be much better informed before voting to determine the majority position. In action learning, the principle of dissent is resident in Reg Revans’ concept of questioning insight (Q).
When you read Liz’s story about what she is doing, you will see the following six characteristics that describe human dynamics within an action learning process. These characteristics value people and their ability to learn from their actions:
- People solve real-life problems that they experience in their day-to-day work and life.
- People learn to solve these real problems with the help and support of others.
- People reflect on their decisions and actions, in order to learn about how they think and act within the problem situation.
- People ask questions that bring to the surface deeply held assumptions, so that these assumptions can be openly discussed.
- People bring their experiences and expertise to the learning, in order to help others.
- People are accountable for their decisions and actions, and are committed to taking action on their decisions.
All of these characteristics are present in Liz’s story. See if you can find them.
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